Just Say No

Winger pundits and even some well intentioned moderates have been griping of late because the Democratic party has been unwilling to do anything but say no to the Prez' efforts to dismantle, er, "reform" Social Security.

First, of course, the assertion is untrue. Democrats have floated a variety of ideas to strengthen the US' most successful government program ever: raising the income cap above $90,000, raising the interest rate paid on the Social Security Treasury Bonds, rolling back BushCorp™'s tax cuts for Paris Hilton and friends, that sort of thing.

But even assuming that Democrats are currently the party of "no", why is that such a bad thing?

It seems to me that stepping up to Chairman Chimpy and saying no is exactly what this country needs.

The Chairman, the joke goes, was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple. And that's just how he behaves. Born to a wealthy and powerful family, coddled through college, the National Guard, in business, the Chairman acts as though he's never been told no in his entire life. Talk about the law of unintended consequences. The whole "build your child's self-esteem regardless of his actual achievements" philosophy is usually attributed to we muddle-headed liberals. But its most notorious example sits behind the desk in an Oval office that seems to be sagging dramatically to the right.

Chairman Chimpy is the poster child for unearned self-esteem.

And so, when he proposes "fixes" which harm the middle-class ("progressive" indexing) or destroy the system he disingenuously claims he wants to save (privatization), the best, most important thing that a patriotic Democrat can do is say "No".

It's like training a dog or a drug addict.

That's a good boy.

An Immodest Proposal

President Bush, in his earnest, sincere efforts to save Social Security by diverting income out of the system and bringing about its insolvency, has rightly pointed out that "everything should be put on the table" in an attempt to solve the problem of Social Security's possible mid-century shortfall.

Despite the protests of some Democrats that diverting funds out of the system into private, er, personal accounts would only destabilize the presently successful system of social insurance for the elderly, I believe it is incumbent upon all Americans to take the President at his word and consider all possible solutions to Social Security's possibly impending possible crisis.

Applying the rule postulated by "Occam's razor" (why use a triple blade, when a double blade will do?) clearly the simplest answer is the best.

So what is, in essence, the greatest challenge facing the Social Security system? Obviously: too many old people. So what do we need? Equally obvious: fewer old people.

Therefore my proposal: the Septuagenarian Elimination Act.

Whereas persons having surpassed their biblically appointed three score years and ten are thereafter worthless in the eyes of God, such persons as exceed the divine limitation on a just life shall be obligated to end said life with all due speed.

Simplicity itself, Occam would be pleased.

And think of the societal benefits.

Instead of wasting away at (the misleadingly named considering the actual mortality rate) dead end jobs as fry-cooks at McDonalds or greeters at WalMart, American seniors could end their golden years in glory and a heroic death in service to their homeland!

Universal conscription for the 70+ers would certainly be mandatory, and at little loss in readiness for our armed forces. For as our military has become increasingly digitized, actual physical strength has become far less of a necessity. Sure pulling multiple g's in a fighter may require the resilience of youth. But guiding the pilot to his appointed doom via radar requires few skills beyond those acquired playing freecell.

And those seniors too incapacitated by illness could still prove a boon to their country. Every human body is a fruitful repository of organic compounds. The same compounds that, given time, become life-giving petroleum. Certainly modern science, which has accomplished such miracles as the clapper, and the Chia-pet, could find a way to accelerate the transformation of decrepit human bodies into life-giving oil.

These are but a few of the ways the accelerated elimination of the old could benefit civilization and the American way. I'm certain those in our government whose job it is to make the hard decisions will find others.